A New Beginning

It's been a while ... 

Hello my dear blog readers, well the few of you that actual read this; hello. It's been a while, my last post was in February when I was talking about some of the bad things that have happened, but while mentioning the good things; like celebrating valentines day and the things going well in the world of romance and love.. Well... things have changed a great deal in such a short space of time that I don't quite believe how far I have come. Six months ago I was in a loving relationship, seeing a therapist once a week and co-habitating with some who I much dispised. Six months ago my world was a much different place. (I sound like the beginning to a movie trailer) I was stressed over every little thing that occurred in my life because I was under a great deal of pressure to get things right, but this in turn meant that everything else that I cared about went wrong. I lost Andrew, a person who cared so deeply for and who I would have given myself completely too. No he's not dead but off doing his own thing, creating and shaping his world how he sees fit. The breakup was brutal, I won't go into the details out of respect for him and those invovled but there was allot of hurtful and regretful things that we're said. Theses things of course spewed from my lips rather than his; I deeply loathe what I became during those weeks of my life. A person I didn't recognise came forward and said some shameful things and I scared not just myself but Andrew with words that I so eloquently  but hurt fully stringed together. 

This series of events however allowed me to grow as a person and helped me a great deal. You see before this heart breaking time, I viewed things with a logical mind and never allowed my emotion to enter the equation when making decision about what to do; but the termoil of that breakup meant that logic and sound reasoning couldn't help me through what I was feeling. Only feeling what I was feeling and letting the emotion run out of me, like a water runs down a river, would I be able to overcome what was going through my mind. Over all I can say breaking up with who May have been the love of my youth helped me grow into the person I am proud of today. 

The next event that shook my world was moving. See I've moved allot in my life, and some would say that that would make moving easier and less stressful, because I see it as the 'norm'. However this is never the case. I find moving more scary than most people, It's the unknown of what may come or what awaits me at the other end that scares me. Living in care were there were allot of rules meant that I had no real control on what I did or didn't do, but moving out of it meant that I was in control of the things that I did and that I would be responsible for all my actions. Sadly that care system doesn't truly prepare you for the real world and it doesn't prepare you real life decisions. Without my common sense and understanding of how things work I believe that I would have been completely lost and unable to function. The last couple of months have been difficult and lonely in some cases but I have adapted and learnt to cope with my new environment. 

The new place I'm living isn't bad at all to be honest, it's a lovely place But it's not really home for me. So I await a new place that I maybe able to call home. 

There are meny other things that have occurred in the past couple of months, good things. Such as visiting my auntie Jude in Birmingham and spending a couple of days there, which has made me consider the university in the near future. I have learnt several more songs on the Piano and they are now added to my collection in my head, and I have recently started seeing someone called Ste who seems to be a lovely gentleman and kind and caring. See there is always a silver lining to a world of bad coincidences. 

I know some people will see my life and blog as a way of comparing and moaning about all the negatives in the world but that's not the case, I see it as a way of showing people that there is always some good, even when all you see is the bad that happens. 

Crazyness That Is My Life

Oh My Lord ...

Hello my fellow bloggers and those who read this in the moment that they are very bored, you attention is appreciated (Not in a needy types of way). Few of you may be wondering why I haven't posted anything in the last two-ish weeks, well the thing is I had a lot to deal with. Lets use bullet point to illustrate what has occurred in the last couple of week. (Bullets points are fun aren't they!)

• Firstly this may sound cryptic but those that know me will understand where I am coming from. The people that essentially control my life, in my opinion sabotage my holiday by not doing their job properly meaning that I essentially spent 90% of my time off from college at home. Some of you will possibly be thinking that there is nothing wrong with spending time at home for extended periods of time however, I do not enjoy doing such things. I find it claustrophobic. The fact that I spent such a long time at home means that I didn't get to spend as much time with my boyfriend as I would of liked (properly much to his dismay). It also means that I couldn't get out to Liverpool and go shopping, which is always tragic.

 

• Secondly, because of a breakdown in communication with the people that I work with, it meant that wen I tried to introduce my boyfriend to my auntie for the first time which would have be soooo much fun, as we were at Ikea (anyone who has been to Ikea will understand how much fun the place actually is). Anyhoo the communication breakdown meant that when Andrew came to Ikea, he couldn't stay leaving him feeling unwanted. This wasn't that case as I really wanted him there and so did  Jude, but because of the idiocy that occurred he had to go home without meeting Jude, which upset both of use. After Andrew had left I got a 'telling off' for not telling anyone that Andrew was coming, yet again this wasn't the case and people just ignored what I said.  

 

• Thirdly I told Andrew the difficult thing that I have ever had to tell anyone. ( I won't go into the details as there are things that should stay between boyfriends) the news left use both feeling emotionally raw and at one point I honestly believed that he was going to leave me and never be a part of my life again. Thankfully this wasn't the case, and I feel that were are stronger than ever as there is nothing between us that the there won't tell. We now have a completely honest loving relationship (Not that we didn't have that before a I have never lied to Andrew) without fear that something that happened a long time a go would end it.

The last week has been such an emotional rollercoaster and I have a feeling that it may come to a well needed end soon, fingers crossed. The last couple of weeks have given a new way of looking at the world and the people in it, I have a stronger love and respect for those currently part of my life and I have a new found fight to keep them in it. Andrew is one of the few people that I feel open with as I know he will be there no matter what, my aunt Jude is going through the sadness of someone close to her passing, so im trying to keep her feeling secure and loved. other that I feel almost content with the way my life is and I know that it can only get better, from here no out.  

 

Taking Control

Life is full of uncetainties, so taking control is the way forward...

Since my last 'post' many things seemed to have occured. There was the trauma over whether me and my dearest should stay together (which we have decided to do, so don't panic my readers of the world I am still in love. Sickening I know) but the whole thing was a total heartache. I felt horrible for a day and a half, which doesn't sound like much but when your crying the whole time; time has a way of going slower. I ended up explaining everything to an unlikely fellow who ended up being a amazing friend, he text my dearest unbeknowest to myself and told him if he loved me he would come see me. Which he ended up doing; we talked about everything, that we were both feeling off in general and he apologised about hurting me with how he's been recently, and now we have decided to listen and do what the other needs even if we don't need it ourselves. I think it's really working as we seem to be getting over what has happened. Time will tell I guess, fingers crossed as i do care deeply about him; more than he knows (I think).

 

Moving on as that is now in the well deserved past. This week I also went to the chinese new year celebrations, which was really fun as everyone was on a real high (legal high that is, not drugs or anything like that). China town was full of people which i've never seen before and I love the whole chinese culture. What made it even more entertaining was that my aunt dragged me through the crowd pushing people out the way as she went. See, I am of the opinion that you shouldn't push people out the way for yourself to take their place but my aunt isn't of the same opinion, she pushed like her life depended on it. It was embarrassing I was apologising to everyone she pushed. however it was weirdly fun to do.

 

Other than that I havn't done anything else with my week, but it's been such an emotion rollercoaster and I feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel so me. I know that sounds corny but with all the trash that i have had to endure i deserve something good for my fortitude, i think that maybe that is my Andrew (who is proberly throwing up if he has found this and read it). I believe in karma and i may have done something bad in my life but the world can't expect me to keep trying to make it right forever, i have tried my hardest to create a good life and in six months my life will truly be my own so i just have to wait out this current storm.

 

With all this stuff going on i have decided to try, at least to take control of what is occuring in the crazy life that is mine. I think that as long a try to do what is best for me and those that i care about i can't go worng. I hope...

Oh Dear

Oh ... no

Well readers of the world, I did the most stupidest (doesn't sound like a word when you type it, weird) anyhoo; last night I did something stupid last night and this is how it kinder went.  

Last night I confronted, well I say confronted it was more like explain myself as the word confront sounds aggressive and I was most certainly not aggressive. Anyway I spoke to my other half and well it didn't go to well. this is the point were most people will go 'Oh ... no', but I explained how I was feeling and how I felt that my life was on hold and the it was really getting to me, I also explained how that I feel that he puts everything else first and before me.

 

Right now some of you think that I'm being selfish and maybe I am, but doesn't everyone want to have someone who thinks that they are the most important thing in the world. I realise that this may sound like the ravings of a hormonal teenager however, that's not the case. I feel that ... well that's it my feelings are all over the place and maybe that's what causing us to have problems. Time will tell I suppose.

 

Now on to the stupid part, drums at the ready ...... I said that I feel that I think that sometimes the things he does make me feel as if he wants to make me jealous. Well that accidently stuck a nerve. I didn't get time to explain myself, which was that because he gives attention to everyone else when were together, it feels that he does it deliberately. I have told him in the past that I don't like some of the things that he does and he has mentioned that he knows that I don't like it, which begs the question 'why do it?' if he knows why I don't like it then why do it. it baffles me.

 

There are those of you out there that will be thinking that i'm crazy, and why am I writing this for people to see, well in my opinion, it's better than keeping it all in and then getting angry because that's not helping anyone.

 

I write these things to help me understand them, not so that people can judge (even though I know they will) The world is a crazy place is it not. I regret what I did last night as I hurt someone I care about. I wouldn't recommend it people.

 

 

Me? ... Where to Start

 Well people of the world, I have decided create a blog; time will tell whether this decision was one of stupidity or a stoke of genius.

 

As it is my first time (naughty) I thought it would only be customary to ell you all something about me and my life. I am currently attending college studying the sciences and geology, I know what your thinking 'wow that's really interesting' it's not really but I do enjoy learning so I thought I would challenge myself; which I have in my opinion achieved. I also in a relation with an amazing guy, who I love to pieces. Yes he can be annoying and yes he sometimes doesn't understand how much I care or that certain things upset me, but being together only six months I think we are doing well.

I'm in care which makes my life kinder annoying and unfortunate at times as I can't always do the things that I what, which can occasionally get in the way of life and building a life with those that I want to. However I persevere and get through, as I must but that is a story for a more drunk day.

 

Enough about the me me more about me in general. I don't do much with life which is a real disappointment as I always said that life is something that only comes once (unless you believe in reincarnation, I don't) but this is mainly to do with the whole care thing. I have found that most people don't understand that the lives they live are special and fortunate as they don't have to live by a constant excess of rules, like how my life is bound by. Take m other half for example, he's kinder a free spirit (well to put it lightly) I believe he will never understand as hard as he dos try, and he does try, he will never get how hard life can be sometimes. but that is a lesson he will have to learn one sad day.

 

Well alas I must leave you me dear readers, as I is my first blog post I feel I shouldn't become a epic story. I hope that reading this you don't ink that it is the sad ramblings of a teenager, because i will add to it in due time, talking about my experiences of life; as most of the time when something occurs you can only sum up what has happened by saying life...eh.